I know it's like a few more days to A levels and I should be studying but I really wanna say that I'm just so so tired of pretending everything is ok when since when is everything even OK?!
The worst feeling is that you wanted to cry and wanted to give up but u still had to smile and say "I'm ok" and continue working hard bcoz you know that there will not be anyone who's gonna catch your back when you fall and you will only have yourself; and when u really wanted to cry out loud but you still had to cry silently to yourself in an attempt not to alert anyone around you and make a big hoo haa. Sometimes I don't really need your reminder that there's always someone out there who's even more unfortunate than me and to apreciate the blessings I have now. It's not that I don't appreciate the blessings that I have it's just that sometimes I just need that few words of encouragement without me asking u to give me all I need was just an emotional support that I have always been giving this to myself. All I need is the validation that all the feelings I had is valid and I just need your understanding of the problems I'm going through not continuously pushing my limits and having the continuous breakthroughs deemed by you as the accomplishments I'm to make in my life and maybe the reward that I give to you for raising me up. Let's get this clear, if I could have chosen I wouldn't want to even come to this world if I had known that I'm gonna have to live these 18 years of my life like this and right now I'm having an existential crisis like why the hell am I here like I'm questioning myself what'sthe purpose of my life. I'm born out bring soso different from my peers that I felt I didn't manage to fit in after 10 years of my life. Sometimes I really just want to give up but having said that if I'm gonna give up, whose gonna live my life for me. It's my life it's my responsibility yes I understand that if I can achieve the success in life I would be able to relive your burden of needing to look after me but during the process of me trying so SO hard to succeed in life, what have you given to me to help me accomplish that? Critical comments? Preaching how to live my life? Continuously trying to ask me to better the version of myself? Sorry I don't need that all I ask for and what I really crave for is a simple sentence of "good job I'm proud of you for improving" I really need appreciation for my progression and not the perfection of my grades. Perhaps the only time I've heard that was the release of my o level results when my name was held up high there. But I asked myself was I really happy about it? I really doubt so..
